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Wednesday, February 4, 2015

"Ob-la-di ob-la-da Life Goes On"

Its probably good that life exists on a continuum and not just all highs or lows. Either one is exhausting and drains lifes experiences of their meaning.

So while I walked through a world devoid of joy following Emmes death I tried to remind myself that this was what acute grief feels like and that time would help.

I felt as fragile as an eggshell with the insides blown out and at the same time curiously numb. Im sure many factors contributed to that. The rapidity of the progression of Emmes disease especially.

That time will always serve as a reminder to me that we all grieve differently based on our own unique set of circumstances and that the only thing a grieving person needs or even can comprehend is the language of compassion spoken in the key of kindness.

So as I mentioned in my last entry, I got an email with a picture of a puppy who definitely did NOT know how to "sell" himself.

That alone was pitiful. I was pitiful. He was pitiful. It seemed like a good omen to take each other on.







Salvation doesnt always come wrapped and labeled as such does it? But he has been mine.

I couldnt ever replace or find another Emme if I waited a week or 50 years so it seemed that I should just jump in. Follow my heart.

He was born when a cur stray wandered in to a biker bar one night. The bikers convinced the owner to let the dog stay and they made her a bed, on whence she proceeded to lay down and have 8 puppies.

The bikers took up a collection to take mama and the pups to a Vet who gave them the name of a rescue group which could help. The biker group sponsored the care of the puppies and each one was given a biker related name.

The puppy I would eventually get was named Ryder. He had a hard go of it.. Round after round of treatment for worms. Then a skin infection. Finally diagnosed and treated as ringworm. So all during the month of October, as his siblings one after the other went to homes, he stayed in foster care visiting the Vet for treatments.

This meant he was held just long enough for me to go through my caring for Emme all through that same month of October.

So he sat in no mans land- not adopted and I came out of my grief just long enough to see his picture in the middle of November.

When I went to the agency to see about adopting him they told me I couldn't see him because he was medically unavailable (the ringworm thing). I was about to turn and leave and the woman said "wait a minute, are you the one who sent me the email?" Turns out I was. I thought they would have gotten lots of emails with offers to adopt him but no....

just me!

So I brought him home the same day.

He is a big galoof. Such a puppy, full time chewing and piddling and wanting to play at bedtime. Just like a baby.

I have no idea what breed he is. Emme was Boxer/Pit. I like that combination a lot. He has a boxer trait - that one of turning their head to the side.

But he also points his foot like a bird dog and bays like a blood hound when excited LOL, he is just a bit of this and a bit of that I am guessing.

I love him.

After a week together I changed his name. I like to let my dogs tell me their own name, they will if you observe hard enough.

So his name is Brigg. He has come to it from the first time I tried it.

I freak him out when I sing (see below) especially when I sing Celine Dion (this might be a good place to mention that I cant sing at all).

But other than that, we're golden.



__________________

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Masterpiece

What comes to mind when you think of a masterpiece?
A one of a kind creation that even as you gaze upon it you know it will never be duplicated.
A unique stand alone thing.
The Mona Lisa? The Eiffel Tower? Mozart?
Relationships, while not leaving a standing body of work, can be just as much of a beautiful, breathtaking treasure.
A once in a lifetime thing.
~
Early October. when the air is getting crisp and I was finally painting the front door which had been planned months earlier. Having my best help, helped.
Not.

A 2 yr old little boy and my dog Emme who both found the process fascinating, leaving two yr old brush strokes and paw prints that I will forever treasure.

Seven days in to the month, Em started limping. I thought maybe she brushed too close to one of the big semis she now and then chased but thankfully with less frequency as she matured in to an adult dog. It would have been not so likely now as when she was young but not unheard of either.
After some home treatment which didnt help I made an appointment with the Vet she hated - not the Vet, she liked him, she was a country dog and didnt like offices....
So in to the dreaded office we went, as she seemed to really feel injured this time - this from my "toughie". The good news - nothing broken, probably tissue bruising and pain killers to remedy that.

A week later the pain was worse. Back we went to the office for deeper, more comprehensive x-rays where she would be put to sleep. Turns out the limp was from osteosarcoma in her left foreleg. Bone cancer.

Prognosis - 4 pain filled months if no treatment.

12 to 18 with surgical amputation and chemo

6 pain free months with amputation alone while we wait for it to metastasize to the lungs which it certainly will with compassionate euthanasia at that point.

And they call that choices?

I made it to the car.
My only thought "I cannot cry and upset her - I cannot wreck this car."

At this point my phone rang (isnt that always the way?) Poor Handsome Son calling about something totally coincidental and I blurted it all out to him. He mentioned a nearby plaza parking lot and said "GO THERE"

I did and he was waiting with a diet cherry coke from our favorite burger joint across the street.
I went over the options while Em lolled on the seat beside us, happy on pain pills and glad to be out of the office and riding in the car (one of her favorite pastimes).
After sucking down the solid comfort of his presence as well as few gulps of cold soda, I was able to drive home to find a very somber crew of workers and family.

Emme went inside for a nap (pain pills are so awesome) while we all gathered outside to talk and cry and decide.
It took two days and lots of philosophical delving to come up with what would be best for Emme.
Not us.
Her.

I loved my friends and family who all strained their emotions and brains to help make this hard decision.
We decided to amputate and go full on with all natural remedies we could find.

A week later she had the amputation and did amazingly well. She did have a slight breathing issue (rapidity) that I hoped was anesthesia related and would pass.
After a very pain free and happy week in which she was loved and doted on by everyone who knew her and eating expensive raw steak and other favorite treats, she spiked a fever. A trip in to the Vet for blood work revealed zero infection in the almost healed surgical site.

The panting and the temp spiking....I kinda knew.
The last night I spent sitting on the couch watching her sleep while the wind blew wild and free outside.

Dawn came and she seemed thirsty and lapped up water and laid down again. I laid down with her exhausted from vigilant watching all night and convinced we had turned some kind of corner. Which it turns out we had...turned a corner I mean.
Laying beside her on floor, my head on the edge of her bed, I fell asleep. I woke up nose to nose with my favorite creature. 

She was watching me. I told her everything I had ever wanted to say to her about her. About her being one of the most wonderful teachers and friends and so much a part of me,
She gave me a look that I hope I can always hang on to in my memory. It was bright and piercing and knowing and full of affectionate humor.

Then she slumped over to one side.
She died there in my arms on a peaceful sun filled morning.
It was November 1.

What can be said?
We buried her where we bury our most beloved pets here on the farm. The men did the burying, I wasnt there - I couldnt.
I heard they all stood at the grave and without anything being said, took off their hats though.

Dilly brought an arm full of sunflowers and food from our favorite Mexican restaurant and a case of Corona.
We all gathered, ate, and told favorite Emme stories.
It was a beautiful, perfect day.

Then the hard part starts right?
Where you try to pick up life and nothing is the same?
I wasnt sleeping or eating and I was trying very hard not to act "sad".

I must not have been doing very well because after a week or so I got an email from Dilly. It said "would this help?"

It was a picture of a puppy splayed out on the ground. He was up for adoption. Poor thing didnt even have the presence to hold himself up and try to look appealing.

I felt my heart zing. Just a twitch, but so nice to feel instead of just to ache. I applied to the rescue online rescue site and after a bit of this and that I got him.

But I am getting ahead of myself....
I wanted a blog post about Em and now I have written this. If I wrote until my fingers fell off, it wouldnt be enough about her.

Her beauty of spirit, her wild untamed heart, her intuitive sense.

I learned so much from her. As one friend said, "she was your spirit guide."

Yes, she was.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Last Moon of January

Peeking through the bare trees


Friday, January 30, 2015

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Hardest Word


Good-bye, 


.
                                                                   EMME 2007 - 2014

                                                             One of the lifes most wonderful gifts.


                                           Let not your grief be equal to her worth, 

                                          because then your sorrow would have no end.

                                                                                                  Macbeth Act 5




Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Old & New

Antique tractor, brand new farmer.


Monday, January 19, 2015

ABCs

Learning to write letters on an overturned water trough.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Morning On Fire




Actually it is steam rolling off the hay since it gets a layer of frost that melts away in the heat of the sun but when the bales are clustered together, the collective steam looks like they are on fire.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Summer Winding Down

Just your average busy 2 year old  late summer day......


helping out with the chores, in this case painting a shelf.







coloring a masterpiece









a ride with your best friend




filling up your squirt bottle while trying to pretend its still a hot summer day


Photo


warming up while eating popsicles






yep, summer was fun...

cant wait for it to come again!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The Dog Days of Summer




The Old Farmer's Almanac lists the traditional period of the Dog Days as the 40 days beginning July 3rd and ending August 11th, coinciding with the ancient heliacal (at sunrise) rising of the Dog Star, Sirius. These are the days of the year with the least rainfall in the Northern Hemisphere

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

When Life Gives You Lemons....

....make doughnuts?



Is that how that saying goes?

I don't think so.

although.....


I bet there is a lemon filled doughnut in here somewhere....yeah, that its, that one. You found it.




If you are not in a good position to go make some lemonade at this particular moment in time,

have a doughnut~

on me!

I will even let you have the lemon one.

Or would you prefer the chocolate with sprinkles?



Saturday, May 24, 2014

Fear Nothing

and the road opens up for you


Monday, May 12, 2014

HiHho, the Derry-O

Hi-ho, the derry-o
The farmer in the dell





um...thats not a dell....



nope...thats not a dell either.



Where oh where is the dell?


Have you seen the dell?


no one seems to know....

Oh well!

The cheese stands alone...



The cheese stands alone
Hi-Ho, the derry-o
The cheese stands alone

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Zen Sunday

Zen is a form of meditation with a focus on the mindful awareness of the present moment.




Animals are so cool however, they didnt even have to invent a word to know all about this process


and then someone comes along with a camera...

and ruins the moment.


Thursday, April 24, 2014

April Showers...

bring April flowers!

(sorry for plagiarizing AND misquoting the famous homily)

just so you will forgive me,

here, have a flower!








Wednesday, April 16, 2014

"Whatever A Blue Jay Feels"

Guess  what I found sitting on my deck....


a young blue jay!

He flew in to the glass door and sat there on the ground too stunned to move.

after being picked up and checked for injuries he was carefully placed on the ground and managed to rouse himself to fly in to a tree





Blue jays are known for being VERY outgoing birds. This one is trying to take over the tree the mockingbirds have claimed, so he must be very confident and brave. 

He finally came to his senses and seems fine. He will live to fight another day!

  
There is more to a blue jay than any other creature. He has got more moods, and more different kinds of feelings than any other creature; and mind you, whatever a blue jay feels he can put in to language.
 Mark Twain's "A Tramp Abroad", Chapter 3 "Baker,s Blue-Jay Yarn".



Friday, March 28, 2014

This Little Light of Mine



I have had this little Dutch girl lamp for half my lifetime. She is a sturdy cast iron (heavy!) standing stoically in her clogs and coat and scarf watching the world go by.



Days like this one is when she gets her moment to shine. Cold, rainy, as though nature has relapsed back in to winter.



This is her moment! She shines and makes her little corner of the world glow



“Is the spring coming?" he said. "What is it like?"...
"It is the sun shining on the rain and the rain falling on the sunshine...” 

― Frances Hodgson BurnettThe Secret Garden

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Long Haired Winter


Horses grow a protective shaggy topcoat in the winter. They shed it naturally once the weather is warmer.

Before that happens they look like Lady (above) does.


Pretty shabby chic huh? 

This is her normal look. all shiny and sleek



What a difference from now!



Indigo has wild hair matted and blowing in the wind


If you look up between her ears you can see a wild weed caught in her mane

here is a closer look.....pose for your close up Indie!



Yes its time for a spring spruce up...

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Goin Green!

Watching paint dry?

Watching grass grow?

Tough job but somebodys got to do it!

Just checking....
































Hey look everybody! Its turning green!




Everybody?

Where did everybody go?

Dontcha wanna come watch the grass grow?

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Strawberry Fields Forever....

Its the first day of spring...

around here guess what that means?


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Beware the Ides of March































March
{ides - middle}


The beginning of the new year on the ancient Roman calender. Perhaps best known today in association with  the death of Caesar....


here on the farm. we have no "caesar" with political enemies but we have had a fox wreaking havoc among our hens. Only 3 have managed to survive the fox coming to hunt at night.

Two days ago there were buzzards circling over the horse pasture. The fox lay dead below. 

Sometime during the night under the filling moon, the dogs have done their job of protecting their territory.....


but the fox had a den, cubs were spotted playing by the opening of it. 

They will grow up...

meanwhile. the remaining hens are busily building nests to fill with eggs, their response to  the spring light of the sun.

The circle completes itself and begins again.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Nature is hinting at a new season